Seems like I only remember this blog when i'm on school holidays and have a little 'me' time. Well...seriously what IS 'me' time? The truth is 'me' time is time spent ignoring the kids while I write 2000 word essays critiquing a research article. That's how I spent my beautiful first day of the school holidays. Crap! AND i'm not even done!!!
Mom died....2 years ago on the 14th. I miss her for so many selfish reasons. I miss having someone care that I was sick, or tired, or even happy. I miss having someone to call because we had the most amazing snow storm and Zoe finally wore the snow suit mom sent her (it's far to small for her now..but she wore it anyway). I miss calling mom to cry and having her tell me it would all be ok. I miss her telling me i was a b*tch everytime I called because I always told her what I thought she should hear, not what she wanted to hear (that's why she called Treena instead of me..lol). I miss stealing her clothes, and calling her for recipes, and buying her Christmas presents, and getting packages from home with my only really surprise presents.
I miss referring to her in the present tense..instead of always "mom did or mom said or mom sent or mom gave". I miss debates with mom and help with the wording of assignments. How many people have a walking dictionary for a mother?
I miss mom's sense of humour and knowing I was loved. No matter what we did, we were loved. And I miss feeling that from her.
I miss the years of going shopping and out for lunch we'll never have. I miss the kids meeting their Nana Lyn. I miss taking care of my crazy dottering old mother that I'll never get to do. I miss surprise phone calls from mom out of the blue.
I hate being a grown-up because I dont have a mom anymore. I hope she's looking down on us from Heaven and knows that she's still very much a part of my life..of my family's life.
I love and miss you Mom.
xoxoxo
Sandy
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
MRI Tomorrow!
Ok guys...my MRI is tomorrow...I'm pretty nervous about it all...I know I wont know anything tomorrow....I'll have to wait to see the DR...but if you could all keep me in your prayers and send 'good vibes' (that sounds like Mom ay!) my way I would really appreciate it!
love,
Sandy
love,
Sandy
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Back to School!
Ahhh...then end of our two week Easter holiday. Bittersweet...well just bitter really...I actually really enjoyed my holiday!
Did I get lots done? Not really...that's probably why I liked it so much!
Nathan was home for a big chunk of it, and that i REALLY liked! I miss him so much when he's off working nights....plus my weekdays are SO busy! I'm usually finished with school around 4pm and Nathan leaves for work at 3:30pm so we barely see each other throughout the week.
Anyway..the point it, I really enjoyed the holiday because we got to spend a lot of time together. We dont even have to be doing anything...I just like that he's THERE.
We cleaned out the car yesterday...what an AMAZING difference it makes to the whole driving experience. Usually i'm totally embarassed of our car...but today it feels like a whole new car!
Speaking of 'whole new car'...we're buying a new car. Our old (and I do mean OLD) corolla is dead. It'll drive forever, but it's rusting out and not worth fixing. Poor old dear (I hate that car..lol). Sooo we're buying a Mazda familia. Beautiful bright red. Hooray. (I think...i hate owing money...but thanks to Nathan's folks...we'll just owe them and not the bank).
Changing the subject...
I have an MRI on Thursday. Hopefully they'll figure out what's been wrong with my liver. Everything they test for comes back negative, but my liver enzymes are still elevated..and i can 'feel' my liver. There's a constant 'awareness' that something is there..it's like i'm carrying something under my right arm. Very weird. I'm feeling pretty good though. (well..that's not entirely true..i'm on my period...but that's a different, familiar story!).
Anyway..will update with that after my appt.
Had my epidemiology exam today. Sure that I passed, but I'm pretty sure i didn't get an A. I'm a dork. Why does it matter? I think probably because i'm still trying to impress Mom. She's in heaven now (but I think she still knows!) Being smart was all I had...and getting good grades always made mom happy...because I was just like her...sooo in some ways getting good marks still validates me in some way.
When will I ever grow up????
siiigh. Signing off. Live long and prosper.
me
Did I get lots done? Not really...that's probably why I liked it so much!
Nathan was home for a big chunk of it, and that i REALLY liked! I miss him so much when he's off working nights....plus my weekdays are SO busy! I'm usually finished with school around 4pm and Nathan leaves for work at 3:30pm so we barely see each other throughout the week.
Anyway..the point it, I really enjoyed the holiday because we got to spend a lot of time together. We dont even have to be doing anything...I just like that he's THERE.
We cleaned out the car yesterday...what an AMAZING difference it makes to the whole driving experience. Usually i'm totally embarassed of our car...but today it feels like a whole new car!
Speaking of 'whole new car'...we're buying a new car. Our old (and I do mean OLD) corolla is dead. It'll drive forever, but it's rusting out and not worth fixing. Poor old dear (I hate that car..lol). Sooo we're buying a Mazda familia. Beautiful bright red. Hooray. (I think...i hate owing money...but thanks to Nathan's folks...we'll just owe them and not the bank).
Changing the subject...
I have an MRI on Thursday. Hopefully they'll figure out what's been wrong with my liver. Everything they test for comes back negative, but my liver enzymes are still elevated..and i can 'feel' my liver. There's a constant 'awareness' that something is there..it's like i'm carrying something under my right arm. Very weird. I'm feeling pretty good though. (well..that's not entirely true..i'm on my period...but that's a different, familiar story!).
Anyway..will update with that after my appt.
Had my epidemiology exam today. Sure that I passed, but I'm pretty sure i didn't get an A. I'm a dork. Why does it matter? I think probably because i'm still trying to impress Mom. She's in heaven now (but I think she still knows!) Being smart was all I had...and getting good grades always made mom happy...because I was just like her...sooo in some ways getting good marks still validates me in some way.
When will I ever grow up????
siiigh. Signing off. Live long and prosper.
me
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day after Valentine's day
Not really ranting today...My lovely nathan gave me stargazer lilies and 3 white roses for Valentine's day yesterday. I love that he knows that although I love roses, stargazers are my favourites. He really is lovely!
Now on with the ranting...I'm bleeding..yuck. Seriously makes me grouchy, achy, and did i mention grouchy?
At church yesterday..I had my usual class of roughly 9 teens...(14-17) doing their usual job of not listening, laughing, texting, and basically mocking everything. Shaun has a possible case of strep throat..so i left him home. I took zoe with me, and since Shaun wasn't there, she wouldnt go to primary..and sat in on my class. I say 'sat' figuratively. In reality she was crawling all over the floor underneath my table and feet.
Stupidly i'd worn my platform clogs (very cool)...and you've probably guess by now...I stepped on her hand. Great. Now she's screamin, they're all laughing, and I've just about had enough. I didnt even feel sorry for her because she shouldn't have been in my class, and she shouldnt' have been under my feet....of course having said that thought out loud (i really need to learn to self-edit) ...i sounded like a horrible ogre who didnt care that i'd hurt my baby.
I had them say a closing prayer...picked zoe up..and left....without going to Relief society. I just wanted to cry. I really really dont like teaching this class...it's like my own personal version of hell...being mocked and laughed at by teenagers. I've never asked to be released before, but this time i'm pretty seriously considering it. Nathan doesn't like that i come home upset every week..and to be honest neither do I. I'd love to just go and take for a while. It's hard enough taking the two kids on my own, without having to deal with a bunch of ungrateful teens.
siihgghhhhh see i was ranting...lol!
love,
me
Now on with the ranting...I'm bleeding..yuck. Seriously makes me grouchy, achy, and did i mention grouchy?
At church yesterday..I had my usual class of roughly 9 teens...(14-17) doing their usual job of not listening, laughing, texting, and basically mocking everything. Shaun has a possible case of strep throat..so i left him home. I took zoe with me, and since Shaun wasn't there, she wouldnt go to primary..and sat in on my class. I say 'sat' figuratively. In reality she was crawling all over the floor underneath my table and feet.
Stupidly i'd worn my platform clogs (very cool)...and you've probably guess by now...I stepped on her hand. Great. Now she's screamin, they're all laughing, and I've just about had enough. I didnt even feel sorry for her because she shouldn't have been in my class, and she shouldnt' have been under my feet....of course having said that thought out loud (i really need to learn to self-edit) ...i sounded like a horrible ogre who didnt care that i'd hurt my baby.
I had them say a closing prayer...picked zoe up..and left....without going to Relief society. I just wanted to cry. I really really dont like teaching this class...it's like my own personal version of hell...being mocked and laughed at by teenagers. I've never asked to be released before, but this time i'm pretty seriously considering it. Nathan doesn't like that i come home upset every week..and to be honest neither do I. I'd love to just go and take for a while. It's hard enough taking the two kids on my own, without having to deal with a bunch of ungrateful teens.
siihgghhhhh see i was ranting...lol!
love,
me
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Right..so now what??
Well...I've been sick for months and months....since last May. Sick? Lets be graphic shall we? Diarrhea, nausea, fatigue, insomnia the works. At first the Dr. just treated me for the diarrhea. Then later he treated me for giarrdea (no confirmed diagnosis). Felt pretty good for a couple weeks, then really grotty again. Back to the doc...bigger dose of giarrdea medicine. This time I felt really good for about 3 months. Wow..I'm back to 'me' I thought. Then about mid December, ugh..back to feeling yucky again. Back to doc, more giarrdea medicine. Probably felt better for a couple weeks, then last Friday I woke in the night with diarrhea and that same old shakey nauseous feeling all over again. Went to my usual doc this time, nearly in tears. He sent me away with an order for some blood tests and some anti-depressants. "So you just think I'm crazy?" I asked him.
Anyway, to his surprise, but not mine, my blood tests came back abnormal with several of my liver enzymes really elevated. Doc rang me and wanted me to have a liver scan...privately so I wouldnt have to wait. Had that done yesterday..now it's just a wait. But i'm worried and scared and I just want to feel better!
I had a blessing the night before last....said not to be afraid. I'm trying to trust that..but I'm not sleeping..havent in about 3 nights...
I start back to school next week, and i've got cake orders coming out of my bum (not literally..literally i've got squirty poos) and I just wonder where the energy is going to come from to get it all done!
I wish the Doc would just call and tell me what's wrong so we can start fixing it!
thats me for now..siighhhh!
Anyway, to his surprise, but not mine, my blood tests came back abnormal with several of my liver enzymes really elevated. Doc rang me and wanted me to have a liver scan...privately so I wouldnt have to wait. Had that done yesterday..now it's just a wait. But i'm worried and scared and I just want to feel better!
I had a blessing the night before last....said not to be afraid. I'm trying to trust that..but I'm not sleeping..havent in about 3 nights...
I start back to school next week, and i've got cake orders coming out of my bum (not literally..literally i've got squirty poos) and I just wonder where the energy is going to come from to get it all done!
I wish the Doc would just call and tell me what's wrong so we can start fixing it!
thats me for now..siighhhh!
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